The Queen of the Castle

I want a baby girl. There I said it. I want to braid someones hair, take her shopping, paint her nails, dress her up in gigantic headbands, buy her frilly baby bikinis, etc. I even want someone to share in my Tri Delta legacy, all the things I learned and friends I'd made in two short years.

How is this not one of the cutest things you've ever seen?!

I was glad that my first was a boy, someone to protect their little sister and make sure boys stayed away from her until she was (at least) 18. I thought for sure I'd be one of the lucky few that gets to have one of each. I'd have my perfect nuclear family - minus the dog, no thank you. And then I would be done having kids. Two arms, two parents, two kids.

When I was pregnant with Jake I had no morning sickness, gas, sleepless nights, or loss of appetite (normal things some women experience during pregnancy). The worst I experienced was some acid reflux at the end of the pregnancy. At that time I remember reading an article that some women who experience those above symptoms are more than likely carrying girls. Apparently little girls produce more estrogen in the womb therefore giving the mother morning sickness. I have three friends/friends of friends that had some sort of morning sickness, I guessed little girl and was right. The theory MUST work!

A week after I found out I was pregnant with number two I began to get nauseous, tired, gassy, indigestion, etc. Thanksgiving and Christmas were terrible because I didn't have much of an appetite. Needless to say this pregnancy is completely different than my last. I even checked the Chinese gender calendar (because I believe in that stuff and tried to plan both of my pregnancies by this calendar.) This MUST mean I'm carrying a little girl right?! But I told myself not to get my hopes up just in case it wasn't a girl. I'd tell people "I'd like one of each but would be happy so long as its a healthy baby." My fear was that I'd get in the ultrasound, see a penis, and start crying with disappointment. So I tried not to get my heart set on one or the other.

When I had Jake the ultrasound was done at 17 weeks, it has now been pushed back to 20 weeks. I contemplated going to a 3d ultrasound place in week 12 because I am impatient. Luckily my Mom talked me out of it and instead I called and scheduled my ultrasound asap...week 19. Last time family was allowed in the room immediately, this time only I was allowed. After the tech took pictures I'd be able to get Mom and Ryan, then we'd all find out together. The tech and I made small chat as she took pics of Cashew. It seemed like we'd been in there for at least 15 minutes making small chat. She asked if I preferred one gender over the other. I responded with the usual "as long as its healthy." She said "well it looks like he...the baby is healthy." SHIT. I let it go. When I went to get Mom and Ryan in the waiting room I think I had a "look" on my face because Ryan said "you know already huh?" "Nope." The tech turned the screen around so we all could see Cashew. The first thing we saw was him, spread eagle, sitting on the camera, penis floating. Ryan got the biggest smile on his face, I said nothing, and Mom gave a sigh of sadness. We left the hospital with little words and when Mom and I got in the car she told me she was sad because she had already begun planning all the fun girly things she wanted to do with her granddaughter. She fears that this is her only chance at grand kids because Zach is no where near the thought or possibility of it.

The next day I Facebooked an old high school friend who has two boys. I feel horrible because I AM excited to have another baby but I feel like my plans for a 4 person family are incomplete and that makes me feel horrible. It even hurts to admit it to other people because you never want to admit those kinds of things or feel ungrateful. And I don't want Cashew to feel my disappointment I already love him very much and can't wait to meet him. Anyways I messaged her for some advice on what she did and how its worked for her. It really helped because she shared that she too wanted a little girl but in the end its been the best thing to have two little boys, play mates, buddies to look out for each other, sure they fight but they are very close. That day I saw a Microsoft commercial; three brothers working on a project, the older one helping the little ones. I started crying, happily, thinking that those could be my boys one day.

It took a few days and some advice from a friend but I am so excited and I can't wait til July when I can meet Cashew. I know that Jake would be a great big brother either way but I think he will be an awesome big brother to his little brother. It never crossed my mind that I'd be a mom to two boys but it also didn't cross my mind that I'll have two mommy's boys who will love and protect me. I'll be the Queen of the Castle, I can totally handle that! And who knows, maybe one day I'll consider a third. Just don't tell Ryan. :)

My adorable little boy at 19 weeks.